Friday, December 31, 2010

After Christmas Blues


It’s a bad feeling. This let down feeling after a week of busy fun with the family. All the old familiar quiet is filled with heaviness. We play music; which doesn’t help much.

Too much happened in such a short time. The memories would be gone to me if I didn’t have the photographs, because it was too much, too fast. I know I said that twice now. I want to take that week of minutes and stretch them out in a rerun of a month of time just so that I could absorb them for what they are.

I didn’t get to spend enough time with the babies. By next year when it happens again they’ll have changed so much. So many little things I’ll have missed. Nobody…nothing waits for me to get the full benefit.

We girls here at home didn’t get to have Jenny’s good humor and talk enough. We had to share with friends and other people so many times. And then evenings came and everyone was tired and went to bed. The truth I have to reface is that she is not ever going to come home to stay. I simply cannot make my heart believe that…not even after two years.

( Lisl’s been gone for four years, yet somehow I believe she’ll be back at least to our community. I don’t know why I think that. It’s probably just denial again like it is for Jenny. Maybe it is due to my never having been in Thailand in her home. I am on hold about her, I guess. )

Jenny and I did take a walk one day and we went up town shopping another day for a couple hours. I am glad we did that but frankly, I didn’t savor the moments enough because somehow I thought I had so many of them? I am unsure as to why when they are here I don’t spend more time just holding the moments up to the light looking at them. How do they all slip like that until you can’t go back?

I am motionless on the road looking back, longing for a way to hold time up so that I can get enough, finally, of the flavor and joy of Christmas family time. It’s not doing me any good, this paralysis of sadness. Here I am, stranded. Going forward puts the memories even further behind me, but standing here doesn’t allow for going back either. Nobody can go back. Eternity calls, and time sets the pace. My waiting is a waste.

I wonder if Heaven will finally let a person get enough time for joy!?

3 comments:

  1. May I say that your word pictures almost make me cry? I wish I could hold time for you enough ...babysit and make the coffee and serve the meals so that you could stop time for a while and really get those moments full. But you know what? It's impossible to stretch a moment. You have to savor the here and now and then keep an open heart for the next one. Such bittersweetness! Good post.

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  2. Arla, I know what you mean...have many such times over the years...and I'm such a slow learner!! When the next time comes around...it happens all over again. Mom and Jean were just here...and Mom likes to stay busy...and stay busy we did. Several times I thought that I need to get a pict of her quilting on Geneva's quilt...well we got a few Christmas eve...and thats all...we didn't even get picts the night all the Heges were here...well the girls did before pict...but no during!! Such is life I guess, not sure why it can't slow down!!!

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  3. In reading your post, I again realize how blessed I am to have all my children so near to me. And maybe I tend to not treasure the moments enough since I have them so close, and see them so often. I am also blessed to be able to help when they need a helping hand. In looking back as a mother, I treasure the time we had our children in our home. It was a busy time but there are so many memories we made. I enjoy being a Grandma now, and I am blessed with the spouses our children have chosen, but I still miss having the children at home as it used to be. But, were the children all at home, there would be no grandchildren to enjoy today.
    So to all my daughters-in-law and son-in-law's parents, thanks for sharing your children with me. And yes, Arla, in heaven there will be no more time so we will have all eternity for joy.
    LOretta

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